So why did I leave?


This is a WoW post, though not one fit for the WoW-blog…  Feel free to skip, my feelings won’t be hurt if you’re more here for the recipes than the geekery 🙂  Mainly me trying to vent and get it out, in a significantly less public form than elsewhere.

So, while I fully admit my ability to lose my shit, asking to be replaced mid-raid is not my normal modus operandi.  Yes, I’d already spoken to Lori before raid and let her know I wasn’t going to be able to stay on the raid team, but I had every intention of sticking out the night, as well as the next raid week which I’d already signed for.  At base, it sounds kinda petty, though it was things adding up slowly over time.

The larger picture:  Frost Emblems kicked the game fully into the “it’s a job” land.  Simply put: I raid to raid, and I like it when progression goes 5mans > raid 1 > raid 2 > raid 3.  I like the addition of 10 mans, they provide a nice buffer and opened up raiding to the masses.  I don’t like the fact that to progress in 25s (or 10s, I suppose) once you hit ICC-level, you MUST run a random 5-man heroic EVERY DAY or fall too far behind the gear curve to catch up.  I want my raiding progression to be controlled by my raiding.

It has nothing to do with the difficulty (or lack thereof) of spending 15 min running a 5 man.  It has everything to do with the fact that some days, I just don’t want to log in…  Or, I want to log in, but don’t want to play on my main…  Or, I want to log in and raid, but don’t want to do anything else.  The fact that I *must* log in every day and *must* run a heroic just kinda kills it for me.

I mean, I like 5 mans.  They’re the best way to level, and with few exceptions, they’re mindless and boring even in heroic.  I go through phases when I’ll spend literally all day in LFD running heroics.  That’s countered by the fact that at least 75% of the time, I don’t want to bother.

So, yeah, job now.

I suppose if we want to go even more meta, there’s also the fact that I can’t raid on my computer (my one “must have” mod requires more processing power than it can handle so I drop down to unplayable FPS), so I play on Davids; his keyboard, his mouse, his monitor, and constantly bumping into Judy due to how I usually sit.  The irritation of the unfamiliar, and the claustrophobic feeling of too many people too close in my personal space.  The feeling of “I don’t want to be here” is increased when here also includes stuff that isn’t *mine*  (Why YES I’m an only child, why do you ask?)

Also included is leadership.  When I started raiding with Axiom, we had fairly structured healing assignments.  When I was promoted with Eric, they became even more so.  Assignment, analysis, and the like were something he was REALLY good at.  I was left to be the cheerleader, the good cop, the “face” of the healing leads. (inorite?)  When Eric left, I was left with my job, which I was comfortable with, and his…  which I totally wasn’t.  Reviews were a once a month hassle– if that was all that Eric leaving had meant added to my workload, I would have been fine.   The fact I had to handle assignments, especially in new content, left me feeling constantly uncertain and stressed.  My early attempts at more freeform “You’re smaht, heal people” led to all tank healers on the MT and the OT going splat on repeated occasions.

It also became somewhat the guild joke that certain people had problems with listening to me.  And while it was funny for the first few weeks that “Oh, haha Lil has Jov on ignore” as those weeks stretched to months, it turned a job I hated into one that made RAIDING something I dreaded and hated.  (That’s not even touching the fact that it turned Lil into someone I wanted to strangle, kill, maim, and in all other ways JOV SMASH her.)

I’m also conflict avoidant.  (I know, lolwut again– but I am.  I vent and rant, but I have a hard time actually arguing/debating with people.  The minute it goes beyond discussion, I just clam up and stop.)  And even though I’m healing lead,  beyond doing the shit I hate, and the once-a-month annoyance of reviews, it feels like every suggestion I made is instantly countered by my co-lead, primarily because she’s more willing to push back.  Okay, only one suggestion — We so don’t need 6 healers for the first day in ICC (I’m so bored, and some fights I don’t press a heal button), but I’m just too tired to fight it.

All in all it feels like all of the responsibility with none of the ability to get suggestions even tried.  Which I fully take most of the responsibility for, but at the same time, it’s just one more thing on top of a list of one more things.

On Monday, I told Lori that I was done.  I really was intending to last through the night, and the next days I was signed for.  Things didn’t work out the way I had planned.

First, a friend asked me to join his “my friends hang out here and shoot the shit while raiding” channel.  Okay, fine…  I don’t have a lot of attention to give to another channel, but I don’t mind.  Three of the people in there are people I’m not terribly that fond of, a group of friends (rogue, pally, shammy) who apped and joined together fairly recently.  I have no issues with their play, but they do rub me the wrong way.

The problem starts when we move on to Dreamwalker.  I do assignments; they don’t really matter beyond saying that you’ve gotta balance your healing as much as possible, because there’s a LOT of raid damage going on, in addition to needing to heal her up.  I’ve already had the “Why do you have me outside and not in the portal” conversation with the resto shammy once.  (The answer: you’re better at healing tanks, and the “massive HPS” you claim to have on Dreamwalker doesn’t mean shit because we fall apart before the second portal phase is over– and this is gonna last 5 phases likely at best.  We’re nowhere near worrying about getting her up a little bit faster.)  He complained last time we did the fight in healing chat, and I gave him my reasoning.

On Monday, he starts asking again (passive-aggressive much?) in the friend’s channel.  I reply with the answer I gave the last time he asked and ask that the conversation move to either healing chat, whisper, or (better yet) PM outside of raid.  He then holds up the raid for 15 minutes being “not ready” on the ready check while whispering me.  15 minutes of “I’m SORRY but I DON’T APPRECIATE your IMPLICATION that I’m WHINING when I’m JUST TRYING TO HELP” And telling me I should stick trees on tanks and put him in portals.  I kept my cool to him, but seriously–  You want the easy epeen assignment.  CAN YOU BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS?

I’m paraphrasing.  Also, I’ve had it.  I spent 6 months with Lil on the healing team constantly “not hearing” assignments and requests.  I’m not willing to put up with another indeterminate amount of time with the resto shammy of ARGUING with me mid-raid.

I love raiding.  I love working hard, seeing new content, and hanging out with a handful of people in my guild.  Half of them can take a long walk off a short pier, however, and I’m sick of the leadership bullshit.

I would probably STILL raid if I could find a place where I don’t need to worry about anyone but myself– except for that pesky “you still need to log in every day to do a heroic” thing.  As it is, it’s been an awesome 5 years, but I’m totally just feeling done.  Finished.  Kaput.


4 responses »

  1. Burnout city, and I’d say you’ve given everyone involved lots of notice that it was coming. The constant stress of being a heal lead in a situation where people constantly push back, argue, or deflect is something I’m familiar with (though on a smaller scale, thank heavens).

    I’m sorry it had to come to what it did, and I hope you find your way back to what you love doing.


    Don’t know if it’s much help, but I’m here if you need me.

  2. More than a little late getting here (you need to comment on my blog more often!), but you have my sympathies. And because you’re one of the People I Like, I’m adding this blog to my reader…so I’ll be keeping an eye on you. 😉

    Fortunately for me, our raid is bit less hardcore than yours (we’re still trying to get Festergut on 25M), and while I’m the heal lead, assignments are pretty easy when you don’t have a lot of changes in your healers: Pally and me on the tanks, backed up by the shammy; you trees, keep everyone else alive. 😉

    So yeah…get used to me hanging out around here…it smells good! 🙂

    • I’m not a good commenter (Tami gets my lurking as well) and also only starting to try and determine proper separation of my Jov-self and Marianne, and what I’m comfortable using where… (er, for clarity, that comment was meant to lead to the fact that I’m only now just starting to adjust the blog link-to when I comment)

      But, hey, privacy issues are something I’ve been angsting over to myself for years.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s