*sigh*

Standard

It’s been a really busy blog month for me, hasn’t it?  Not just three posts in two days, but a lot of posts in the past couple weeks.

I hit the point last night where I literally said out loud “God, I’m just dreading logging into WoW…”   Part of me thinks I should take this as a sign and stop.

Unfortunately, I really don’t trust myself, especially right now, since there’s just so many things which are, or at least can be, contributing factors…

1)  Hardware is an issue.  The macbook can run instances/raids fine, but anything outside of one of those shiny portals is a long series of crash lag crash.  I can’t even log in when my character is in Dalaran.  The desktop has no problem with being anywhere out in the world, but attempting to drag it into an instance portal causes non-stop chugging and complaint.

2) Related, I’m the healing lead who can’t run a meter or even open a web browser while WOW is running to see how people are doing.  I don’t know who’s not pulling their weight until well after the fact unless someone tells me.   I’m completely reliant upon other people telling me there’s a problem, which usually only happens after it’s too late.

3)  Related, I’m healing lead.  I signed on for this a year ago with someone who fit me perfectly.  He was awesome at what I sucked at.  I could totally handle the stuff he didn’t want to deal with.  Right now, it feels like I’m flying blind, but having to do my old job and his both…  And I know I suck at this shit and I hate being in the position when  I come out of every raid night feeling like a failure, no matter how well or badly we actually did.

4)  I need a night off…  or a week…  or a month.  I’ve been saying I’m going to take a short break once things steady out roster-wise for about 3-4 months now.  The only raids I’ve missed in the past few months have been when I’ve been too sick.

5)  As is probably evident, I’m stressed in general, and have been exceptionally so for about as long as I can remember now.  A lot of this is a “just one more thing” straw/camel situation.

6) I’m terrified if I quit, I’ll lose the friends I’ve made.  Also, if I quit, they’ll end up needing to replace healer/healing lead AND a tank.

7)  I’m only logging in to raid, I enjoy the working together aspect; I enjoy the people.  But I still hate logging in and dealing with…  everything.

8)  It’s a statement of my life that I just generally want to spend the next month curled up in a cave somewhere with hot cocoa and cats and not deal with people for like a year.

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3 responses »

  1. *HUGS* You’ve sailed right past burnout and are into the ashy territory of imminent death.

    I hesitate to offer actual advice, as we both know how my particular story ended. Instead, I shall simply offer support and a fresh pot of cocoa. =]

  2. 1. Don’t make big decisions when you’re feeling generally crummy and emotional all around.
    2. Now that I know the extent to which you’re struggling with healing lead stuff, I can arrange for better support.
    3. If you *do* decide to quit the game, I’m not going anywhere. Heck, you play so little outside of raids these days that I think we talk more outside of the game than inside.
    4. Time off can be arranged. You want the whole week rather than just Wed?
    5. Back to the ‘if you *do* decide to quit’… we’ll find another tank/healer. Though they would never replace you guys in my heart.

  3. @ Tami
    Hugs, especially the virtual kind, are welcome and appreciated.

    @ Lori
    1) I’m not. I’m intentionally not. I’m going to keep track of my feelings as stress starts falling off/changing and make my decision later… probably reassess in a month.
    2) ❤
    3) Yes, but we tend to talk *about* WoW…
    4) I'm only signing one day for next week, and may not sign anything in the week after. Holidays are just too rough generally speaking, I don't know that I can handle it on top of everything else.
    5) I have way too much guilt about leaving right now that I'm really uncertain how much of why I'm still playing is just guilt. My friends are few enough that it's hard to do things I'm convinced will risk the relationships with the ones I do have…

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