On friendship

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I don’t do people.  I don’t understand them, I don’t get them, they constantly do things which just make me boggle.

I also have trust and abandonment issues, learned over the first 20 years of my life, which I’ve been trying to rise above.

Marianne and people don’t mix.

I realize this and try to keep it in mind when it comes down to my relations with other people.  Just because I don’t understand them and expect them to hurt me doesn’t mean I’m not aware of the fact that all of this could just be going on in my own head.  But I have rules I hold my friends to, and they apply both to me and to anyone else.

Gradually drifting apart happens.  It doesn’t require any long, drawn-out apologies, or anything like that.  Sometimes things happen (or don’t) and you lose touch.  That’s totally kosher, I do the same thing.  I still think of you as my friend, and when circumstances allign to where we’re together again, for me, it’s like nothing has happened and we’re the same as we ever were.

Sometimes you get sick of me.  That is also kosher, I get sick of me too.  You want space, or time apart, if you tell me, I’ll give it to you.  I’ll be sad, because for all I don’t get people, I value those who I consider friends.  But I won’t blame you, or be angry, or hold any sort of hard feelings.  Everyone needs to do what’s best for them, and if that includes not being around me, that’s totally understandable.

Communication is key.  If you’re done, don’t lie or make up excuses to avoid telling me (or anyone else) that things aren’t working for you.  Not only does that say that you’re done (which hurts), it says they’re not worth honesty, or knowing your real feelings on the matter.  Which is kinda like twisting the knife to make sure you’re not actually missing any sensitive spots.

So, yes, this is currently happening.  And while many seem to be in one of two camps: the “How Dare She” of righteous anger, or the analytical “this was somewhat to be expected” of emotionless acknowledgement, I’m stuck alone in party 3.  I’ve just lost a friend, and realizing a month later that it’s been that way for a while.

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8 responses »

  1. Scant comfort, I know, but you aren’t alone in feeling that way about people and having that philosophy on friendships. And on the trust/abandonment issues as well.

    As I said, scant comfort indeed, but if it’s an oddity to feel that way, I’m just as odd as you.

    /hug

  2. As someone who values your friendship (even though we’ve drifted and don’t talk like we used to), I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost a friend and in such a sad way.*hugs*

  3. @ Seri — Thank you. I know we don’t feel the same reaction, but even still, reacting to the same thing is a help. I’m just hitting the point where I obsess about it. (You know, doing a search for that name/server ends up with her having posted drawings on her personal site? Just in case I held out hope it was still a mistake.)

    @ Annie — *hug* I know we don’t talk so much anymore, and that makes me sad. But on the other hand, I know that if it comes down to it and either of us NEED to talk, we’ll still be there. Which is more valuable than anything we’re doing (or not doing) now.

  4. I understand, lady. I’m of the same philosophy of friendship as you are. Not knowing the exact circumstances you’re in now, I do still empathize – had a friend of ten years write me off by certified letter after her wedding (basically she smiled and nodded and put up with me for a few months to keep things moving in the wedding, as it were.) And…it hurts. It took a very long time to get to the point of not caring about the situation.

    But enough rant. I know we haven’t talked all that much in a bit, but you know how to get a hold of me if you’d like to. ❤

    *hugs*

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